Regrets

Today I am unbelievably sad, so no movies, no books or actors, no perky Clancy. Today is for reflection. Yesterday, I called a dear friend of mine only to find out he had died the day before - very sudden, very tragic. He was only in his early forties.

We met several years ago under somewhat unusual circumstances , but quickly became friends. Over the years, we have dated on again/off again, but we were always friends. He was a kind and generous man valiantly fighting to correct health issues, and get his life on track in several areas. He wasn't perfect, but he was a really good guy. And now I feel a huge void in my life that he filled. Even when I hadn't talked to him or seen him for awhile, he was there and I thought of him.

On his behalf, I have regrets...little things, maybe even silly things. I regret that for the first year in a long time, his favorite NFL team, The Kansas City Chiefs, is in the playoffs and he won't get to see them play. He collected a certain author's books, but was saving them to read when he had them all and could read straight through - now he'll never get to read them. These things make me sad.

For me, I regret not spending more time with him and being a better friend... can't we all be better than we are? I have similar regrets about my dad's death two years ago - I wish I'd called more, visited more, and so on. I don't want to have regrets - they're so awful because no matter what you do in the present and future, you can't go back and change whatever it was you didn't do and now regret. You can do many things but the regrets are there forever.

I'm not much for New Year's resolutions, but I'm resolving to be better... and if I think I should do or say something, I will. I don't want to look back and think ...why? Why did I hold back? Why was I afraid to reach out? Why didn't I make time for this or that? Don't say - oh, I'll call tomorrow... I said 'tomorrow' for about four days and when I did get around to calling, it was too late. Embrace life, loved ones, friends and even strangers...for life is truly fleeting and unpredictable. Here's to my dear friend Jon - he is greatly missed.