I have to do something I really do NOT want to do. Finally, I have motivation to do it despite my better judgement (hmm) and despite my reluctance (oh yeah). I have to explore my past and my emotions and face up to what I fear. Ugh. It sounds awful, just saying it. Like I have to eat broccoli or something - yes, it's that bad (no offense to broccoli lovers). As a writer, I have been struggling with some characters, not just side characters or background characters, but the main characters. Why? Because they are one dimensional, because they all are struggling under the weight of emotional distance. So, my brilliant writing partner, S, says to me - "you need to face your fears" (I paraphrase), "you need to journal until you get it out." And I say, (in a whiny voice) "but, I don't want to" and she says, "but you need to." So, then I say, "Okay, I'll try to figure it out" and she says, "No. You have to feel it out." And I respond, "Grrr" (mind you I really did say grrr because I can't roll my tongue and actually growl). Fortunately, a mere 30 minutes after this conversation where I am committed (notice the word choice) to doing this, I am spared doing it right then because I have a movie date with a different girl friend, J.
While we were waiting for the movie to start, I told J what S had said and she said the same thing I did, "that sucks, that's what emotional closets were made for" (again I paraphrase). It gave me warm fuzzies to not be the only emotional cripple on the block. We went to see Life as We Know It with Katherine Heigel and Josh Duhamel. It was great. It made me laugh and cry and hope and ... feel. Damn. The two characters fight against a new life they never wanted but need to embrace and fall in love on the way, but things can't change until they get over their fears. J and I did not discuss the touchy-feely aspects of the movie because we jointly opened an emotional door and committed emotional homicide together (I smile).
Then I got home and I'm finishing up a trilogy of books by Victoria Dahl. All three awesome, all three romance, all three smoking hot (yes - that kind of hot - but not over the top graphic - but really really hot). And the last of the three is called Lead Me On (I recommend all three by the way - seriously. The first is Talk Me Down, the second is Start Me Up)... anyway, this one is about a girl who has a past she is trying to hide and deny because she doesn't want to be that person any more. But she can't embrace the perfect man for her until she embraces the fact that her past is part of who she is and he loves her for her past, present and future.
So, the culmination of yesterday is that I have to do this thing I do NOT want to do because I can't be the emotional power house writer I want to be unless I feel my way through any pain and fear and rejection and other touchy-feely crap I want to deny. This is a tough thing to do when you've spent decades (really - decades) stuffing emotions behind a closet door and leaving them there to fester and rot or hopefully die a quiet death. My friend H may do little happy dances and shout "About damn time" if she reads this, as it will vindicate every thing she's ever hollered at me when I opened that closet door and crammed another emotional carcass in there. Grrrr, I say again. I hate it when she's right.
So, this is my task today. Emotional roller coaster. Journaling to feel my way out. Closet door thrown open, carcasses dragged into the light of day to be forensically examined unto a natural, healthy death. I feel like I'm in line for that roller coaster and I have those nervous butterflies in my stomach, the good mixed with the bad and that overwhelming sensation that you want to throw up rather than take that ride, but now you're at the front of the line and there is no where to go but in the car and up that click-clacky hill and down through every twist and turn. Okay, now I really do want to get sick. If anyone sees or talks to me and I have a pale shade of green tint to my skin - I did it. If I'm smiling and laughing, I chickened out.
I'll do it - I really, really do want to be that awesome writer that pulls you into the characters journey. That is my dream, so there ya go. Kleenex on hand, journal staring at me from a foot away. I must post this and get on with it - no more avoiding what I must do. Keep your fingers crossed for me friends. Any future posts should indicate I survived this journey of self-discovery (GRRRR).